If Horses Sold Themselves…
August 23, 2011 7 CommentsI found this horse on Craigslist. Looks like a sweet deal…even if he does swear too much.
$1000 Best. Horse. Ever.
Date: 2011-08-18, 3:39PM PDT
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Konichiwa compadres. Are you looking for the most kick-ass horse that ever lived? If so, look no further. You found him. I’m a 15-year-old professional packer with experience at bad-ass barns in the United States of AMERICA. That’s right! I graduated from Penn National racetrack, and moved to NYC at the tender age of five. After deciding that New York was a ragin’ stink hole, I moved back to Pennsylvania to cultivate more professional experience on the A circuit. Why? So I can pack your *ss around the show ring and not have to post sh*t like this on Craigslist.
Anyway, so I lost my job in the recession and I have no clue where to live. Honestly, I’ve got three weeks of board left, so I don’t give a rats behind if I have to sleep in your round pen.
A bit about me: I’m respectful, quiet, clean and I won’t touch any of your crap. If you leave a bucket of oats outside my stall at night, I’m just like, “Sweet Jesus, I better not mess with this crap, because it’s not mine.”
I’m never lame. I don’t eat much. I’m always ready to work. Heck. I’ll even do ALL THE WORK for you. That’s right! My dad is an international champion and taught me everything there is to know about show jumping. I’ll memorize the course, make ridiculously tight turns, and jump at least six inches higher than the jump. I’ll make you look like a f*$&ing superstar. EVERY. SINGLE. CLASS.
Don’t want to run at jumps? That’s FANTASTIC! I’ll canter on the slowest 12’ stride you ever imagined and find the distances for you. Imagine all the ribbons you’ll win!
Do you like trail rides? I LOVE TRAIL RIDES. I can ride the sh*t out of trails. Water, ditches, gates. Whatever. You want to go there. It’s my life’s mission to take you. Or we don’t have to go on a trail ride ever. It’s completely UP TO YOU!
A lot of people ask me, “Hey, you’re a Thoroughbred. Are you batsh*t crazy?” And, the answer to that question is, no. I’m not crazy. I’m not even judgmental. I LOVE PEOPLE. I want to help human beings for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion, sexual preference, or personal hygiene. Pretty cool right?
I own almost nothing! Last I checked, I had a halter and lead rope with my name on it. I have one pair of shoes. You can HAVE THEM. See?! I’m the most considerate horse you’ve ever met. I’m offering to give you things already!
Am I interested in your barn? You bet my nomadic ass I am! I only require a bit of grass, four fences, water and a tree to shelter me from the elements. Anything beyond that will be considered a bonus.
I’m taking being a show horse to the next level. Email me! I’ll hook you up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of Pony Club trophies and a list of the top 10 things I’d like to eat before I die. If you want a next-generation horse that consistently blows your mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I’ll give you the ride of your life.
I can just imagine what my horses would come up with it they were selling themselves to ME when I was looking for them.
Biscuit was "Goose" and looking for love...and his next meal. He wanted to go on killer trail rides and pack (that was his name for a short while) around some old 50 something chick who would buy tack just for him, put him at a facility that was cherry or plum either one (he landed at Plum Nearly!) where some guy would come on a Gater twice a day to dump feed his own bucket and where he could stand knee deep in a round bale in the winter. He wanted his own chariot to drag him around to said trail rides and a pasture mate to run around with that would keep him in line. Treats passed all around would be nice, as alfalfa would. In return, he would pack his owner around, learn to pick up his feet, tolerate having his hooves rasped by an amature, learn NOT to throw up his head, not flinch when saddled and learn to LIKE hugs and kisses. He would learn to collect up and jog like a pro.
Sigh...the things poor old Biscuit has had to do to keep his new owner!!
Sarge I think was happy where he was but he wasn't getting out much as his owner had been injured. Sarge's ad would have said he'd be glad to go somewhere if there was nice owners like he had before but trail riding in FRONT would be nice....(Barry take note) as he is the Sargent...not the private. He would appreciate his owner learning all of his cues so he doesn't have to dump someone's butt because they didn't understand he was had plenty of buttons like a remote...push the wrong one and it is going in another direction. He certainly would appreciate hugs and kisses as he is all of that and a bag of chips...just look at his pedigree and how shiny his coat is. And watch how he goes...collected up and going like a the super star he is. He would also appreciate the same level of care as he had before and to be petted and spoiled and taken occasionally for man's work...trail blazing or chasing cows. What fun!!!
LOL I don't think my boys can complain too much about their care. Sarge has had an easy summer...I think we have kicked the worms for good and Barry was a little under the weather this summer. Fall is right around the corner and Sarge will be in charge again. Biscuit is having the time of his life...fat and sassy, leading trail rides and looking gorgeous as he is becoming a wonderful trail horse.
I really like my horses...they are more fun than a barrel of monkeys and I want to take the best care of them I can. They deserve that for being my main source of entertainment!! Barry and I went to see the boys this afternoon. They are looking terrific. My muscle above my knee isn't as sore and it is getting better. I am going to try to mount Biscuit in the arena either Saturday and see if I can get on. The Dr. said 2 weeks and that would be 2 weeks. I have missed my rides.